makati life

i know i’ve told many that i’ve lately been holding temporary office at VA in makati . . . while we’re still searching for our eventual office space.

it was weird actually . . . i know makati is every college student’s dream workplace . . . for them, to work in makati or any central business district measures success.

i, myself, had considered the same back in college.  i remembered that as i was about to graduate from college, i had a goal of working in makati.  it was flattering, you know, all the more as a up student, that even though you haven’t graduated yet, many firms are already inviting you for job interviews.  yes, i know, it’s an advantage of having studied at up . . . where firms look for graduates like you . . . where the job is the one looking for you and not the other way around.

so anyway, it’s nice that since the firms are the ones looking for you, the only thing you do is to choose which firm you want to be a part of.  but then, i remembered . . . while going to the many job interviews in makati, i figured how expensive the kind of living they have there.  and so eventually, i kinda narrowed my proximity to just until ortigas area . . . it’s still a central business district anyway.

then again, as i was entertaining the job invites at ortigas, i again realized it’s still expensive there . . . the parking fees and all . . . and so eventually, i again narrowed my proximity to quezon city area.  i realized there are still some good firms at quezon city . . . add the fact that my dream office . . . that famous network along mother ignacia is there . . .

well . . . as the story continues, i ended up at a job i swore during graduation that i’ll never do . . . entering the government.  mind you, i enjoyed the job . . . i mean it’s not the typical government job . . . i worked for a cabinet secretary.

now, after the resignation of my boss from the department of national defense, now it can be told . . . i’m still working for him.  and since we haven’t gotten our own office space yet . . . we "borrowed" an office space at the law firm he co-founded with his fratmates to serve as our "base".

and so, for more than a month now . . . you can say i’m holding office at makati.  and now, i’m living the kind of life i dreamt of when i was still in college.  you know . . . parking your car at a parking lot . . . finding which one has the cheapest parking rate.  walking from the parking lot to your office building.  and eventually sometime in the afternoon, taking your car out to get it back to the parking lot just to save a couple of pesos from parking fee . . . oh well . . .

to continue further, as i was walking from the parking lot towards the office, i couldn’t help but notice my reflection at the building’s windows . . . and god! it’s just now that i really realized . . . it was true . . . that thing i’ve always been hearing lately . . . i’ve gone really thin!

yes, i know what to do to get back to my weight or just to add a little more weight, so to speak . . . but i just couldn’t . . . as i’ve said . . . what’s the use?  if lately you’ve been questioning your purpose in life, why want to go through with life, right?

you know, i’m really in a desperate situation right now . . . as i’ve said, i just couldn’t assure myself if god is still listening to my prayers.  and in such a desperate situation, i’ve reached the point of trying out every suggestion given to me . . . if it’s the only way that god could answer my prayer . . .

i realized my ego has gone even lower at the start of the lenten season.   i’m kinda hoping that easter could also signify god’s answering my call.  as much as i would want to hope on that . . . part of me just wouldn’t want to . . . i don’t want to get hurt even more . . . because if that happenes, i might completely lose my trust and faith to the one above.  i still would love to hang on the my faith . . . no matter how hard . . . but i must really admit, sometimes i feel like i’m losing grip.

guys, please do me a favor . . . please pray for me . . . for god to finally answer my prayer . . . the prayer that’s long been being cried out by my heart . . . the prayer for me to be completely happy . . .

i fear that . . . once i’ve reached the point of having lost grip . . . i might end up doing something stupid . . .

so please . . . pray for me . . . and that my prayer be finally heard . . .

–GI 30682

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oh god, kill me . . .

as most of you have noticed, i barely went online last week . . . i had many things in mind . . . basically, just had been questioning my purpose in life . . .

i’m sure most of you had been aware that i celebrated my birthday last week.  and as perhaps, a couple of you would have been aware of . . . instead of having a day full of blessings, i had a day full of misfortunes in life.  i don’t want to elaborate on all those things . . . i don’t want to relive the things that happened that day.

yes, i’m hurt . . . i feel one of the lowest among the low.  i had been down for the longest time now and i was hoping for things to turn even for just one day . . . my birthday.  i was praying to be happy . . . just once . . . but it never happened.

i think i’ve said this in my previous blog . . . i don’t feel like celebrating for i haven’t seen anything to be thankful for during my birthday . . . true enough . . . i had nothing to be thankful for . . . unless i want to thank the one above for the many misfortunes he gave me during my birthday and the days near that.

you know, i no longer know my purpose in life . . . ever since i was young, i did my best to live for others . . . to live selflessly.  i get energy from helping people.  i want to be needed . . .

sometimes, i don’t know if i should get flattered with situations i’ve gone through lately.  people saying they didn’t want to bother me because they knew i was battling some problems.  it’s not that . . . honestly, i would have wanted to be there for them . . . for companionship . . . a sense of belongingness.  or how about situations wherein they didn’t want to bother me because they think i’m too busy to give time for them.  if they only knew . . . i loved being disturbed by my friends.  never mind if i’m busy . . . they should be aware of how i do wonders to be able to compromise time as long as i want to be with them.

i feel underestimated . . . that contributes to the great pain i’m experiencing.  it hurts to think that others think you’re not capable of being a good friend for them . . .

many people have been concerned with my battle right now.  my health has deteriorated . . . i’m underweight . . . and lately, to tell you honestly . . . i do have felt weakness in my body . . . trembling frequently even if the temperature is hot . . . feeling pain inside my body . . . perhaps asking for more nourishment . . . but i guess i’ve reached the point that even if i knew what to do to improve my health, i just wasn’t inspired to do so . . . i’ve reached the point of no longer being interested to live through life . . . for lately, i haven’t been feeling my purpose.

many have told me that they miss the old "gi" . . . the stress-free gi andres they knew.  the person, who doesn’t mind problems and prefers to have a good time.  i, myself, do miss that person, too.  but it’s hard to bring her back.  because the difference between the two . . . the old "gi" still felt her purpose in life.  she still knew she was needed . . . she still felt she can be there for others.  this gi right now, have long been praying for such to happen . . . for an opportunity . . . which, until now, hasn’t occured.

many have been concerned as well.  many have wanted to reach out.  but it’s the approach i’m having a hard time on.  for the longest time i’ve been down . . . so lately, i’ve been praying for happiness.  i guess the "being there kind of friend" i wanted right now is basically just someone . . . who’d sit beside you, hug you while you’re being quiet and give you that reassuring smile even if you haven’t told anything.  i need someone, who, even for just a short time, can make me smile and forget the problems i’m battling . . . someone who’d give me the break from this hurting heart.

i don’t need people who’d tell you they’re there but would basically beat the hell out of you so you’d spill every little thing that has been bothering you for the longest time.  i needed a break from all of those things . . . so even for a couple of minutes, i wish they could spare me from it by not talking about it.  another thing . . . i practice this thing to my friends . . . the best way of being a friend is to just make your presence felt . . . never push them to talk . . . just make them comfortable . . . and once they are, they’ll freely tell you their thoughts.  try to force it out of them . . . the more they’d keep silent.

i guess that’s the greatest part of my hurt . . . when you seem not able to make your presence and importance felt . . . it’s my ego that’s being hurt . . . what i considered to be things which makes my life worth living . . . don’t seem to be there anymore . . . how i wanted to live my life seems no longer attainable.  how i wanted to be remembered in this world seems not possible . . . what i considered my purpose . . . out of reach . . .

the misfortunes which happened to me during my birthday were basically the things i’d consider to be the climax of all these.  i wanted to curse fate . . . that was already below the belt.  i had been bothered with many things in mind . . . why still attack me at a point where i have already become vulnerable.  is that being merciful?

i had a prayer . . . for the longest time, it’s my prayer . . . it’s what i wanted . . . i have always been the believer with regard to my faith.  i never doubted his power then.  but i’m sorry . . . what i had been praying for, i believe, was a simple favor . . . just the reassurance . . . and much to my disappointment, i’m hurt that until now, it’s still what i’m asking for . . . it’s still an unanswered prayer.  with that, i want to question if i had the right beliefs . . . or maybe i was basically barking at the wrong tree.  maybe that’s why many have left this religion . . . because they felt abandoned by the one they’re following.  maybe he’s not powerful at all . . . or maybe, he’s not really merciful . . . merciful enough to see a hurting soul . . . crying to sleep all night . . . waking up each day crying . . . crying while driving . . . losing appetite to eat for energy to live . . . and for the rest of the moment, staring blankly . . . figuring out why she’s being neglected by the one above.

i have long been praying for happiness . . . the one above knows what i’ve been praying for to make me happy . . . but for the longest time, it hasn’t arrived.  and then i prayed for a difference . . . i asked that if what i’ve been praying for for the longest time will still not be granted . . . for him to at least make me happy on my birthday . . . to at least make me forget about the many things bothering my mind.  still, it never came . . . and to make things worse, the day really turned out wrong . . . a birthday celebrant’s worst nightmare.

and so, i’m really hurting . . . because now i feel that even the one whom they say will stick with you when everyone else has gone, hasn’t even listened to my prayer . . . abandoned me . . . and neglected me.  with that i no longer know why i still exist in this world . . . why allow me to live a purposeless life?

i would love to hope and pray that my prayer for happiness could still be granted . . . but should that deem to be really impossible, then i pray to the one above to finally allow me to give up on life . . . for me to do it alone is a sin . . . so i pray to the one above to help me with that . . .

i give up . . . i just feel so abandoned by the one above . . .

–GI 30682

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