intended for january 31, 2007; 3:00 a. m.
6, 8, 12
by: brian mcknight
Ooh, ooh
Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep?
In the middle of the night when you’re awake,
Are you calling out for me?
Do you ever reminisce?
I can’t believe in nothing like this
I know it’s crazy
How I still can feel your kiss
It’s been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away
I miss you so much and I don’t know what to say
I should be over you
I should know better but it’s just not the case
It’s been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away
Do you ever ask about me?
Do your friends still tell you what to do?
Every time the phone rings,
Do you wish it was me calling you?
Do you still feel the same?
Or has time put out the flame?
I miss you
Is everything okay?
It’s been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away
I miss you so much and I don’t know what to say
I should be over you
I should know better but it’s just not the case
It’s been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away
It’s hard enough just passing the time
When I can’t seem to get you off my mind
And where is the good in goodbye?
Tell me why, tell me why
It’s been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away
I miss you so much and I don’t know what to say
I should be over you
I should know better but it’s just not the case
It’s been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away
Sing it for me
Ooh, ooh
i’ve got nothing more to say . . . *sigh* :’(
–GI 30682
thoughts | Comment (0)crash and burn
i’m finding it funny why everyone’s relating my having gone a lot slimmer to the idea that i’m in a relationship at the moment . . .
i went for a bonding moment with my mom last week and she narrated how a family friend asked about how our family’s been doing. of course, my mom answered we’re all well and then my mom said that this family friend of ours had asked if i was in a relationship. well, as far as what my mom knows, i’m not. so that’s what she said . . . i just nodded after hearing her story. then my mom looked at me while i was driving the car . . . "wala nga ba?" *sheesh*
i again, visited my former office to get some photos during a former officemate’s wedding and again, everyone’s been asking about my drastic weight loss . . . of course, emphasizing the idea that i’m in a relationship. ganoon ba ‘yun? whenever a girl is in a relationship, she’s getting thin as an unconscious way of maintaining to look good so your partner won’t get tempted to look for others? oh well, it’s a different thing for me . . . i get thin whenever i’m not into a relationship . . . wala ng nag-aalaga . . . wala ng nagmamahal . . . *sigh* well, finally i was able to convince them i’m really single for the past 6 months now and i was laughing so hard upon hearing a former officemate’s comment: "dapat kasi ang diskarte sa panliligaw sa mga babaeng tulad ni ma’am gi . . . *toot*" haha . . . it was definitely a funny comment but i’d rather censor it . . . makakuha pa ng clues ang ibang interesado . . . hehe . . . but really, it was a comment that i answered "yes, dapat ganoong diskarte nga . . ." oh well . . .
ok . . . let me get this straight . . . I’M DEFINITELY SINGLE . . . I’M NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW, OK? so please, stop the speculations. the weight loss really is a result of endless sleepless nights thinking about many things . . . crying, i guess . . . praying, as well . . . that things finally turn out right.
i visited my college friends at up. it’s been 2 years since i really went to my college, school of economics, that is . . . to really mingle with the people i used to hang out with. it was a weird feeling . . . mixed emotions, so to speak. i got my diploma and it felt good to really take hold of it. finally, i have proof! i’m really a graduate of UP diliman! upon seeing my friends and even others who were our batchmates but opted to take their master’s degree . . . i felt low . . . they all look matured! bakit ako, mukhang bata pa rin?
in a way, i felt down because at one side i felt they’ve looked mature because they’ve grown since graduating from college . . .
i remember during my comm3 class at up, my classmates couldn’t believe when i told them i was already 21 at that time. many have said i look much younger than my real age. i’ve always been irritated whenever people say that but it took a wise person to make me realize the bright side of things . . . my comm3 professor. she said, i should be proud and take those statements as compliments . . . for in the years to come, when everybody else has grown, i still would look much younger than my age . . . and that’s what everybody will be wishing for by then. yes, she has a point but i guess, i’m still at an early age . . . it’s the age when you have this urge to feel you’re really grown up, right? c’mon . . . my former officemates were teasing me last year when i wanted to watch tom hanks’ movie, "the da vinci code". they’ve all been constantly reminding me to bring my id to convince the ticket seller i’m past 18 years of age . . . haha
going back to my college friends, perhaps they’re already witnessing the unfolding of their dreams turning into reality. as for me, well . . . yes, i’m realizing the dreams i once made but maybe what i’m lacking was the satisfaction of life. they were able to meet their goal . . . i was not. i maybe happy with my job but i felt it was at the expense of maintaining my friendship with other people . . . which for me, really hurts a lot.
these people . . . these college friends . . . they knew how i was back in college . . . so stress-free . . . not minding even the biggest problems in this world. the person, during the day of the exam of the most terror teacher, would just say "god! nakalimutan ko mag-pluck ng kilay!!" yes, that’s how cool i was . . . and now, i maybe cool, still . . . but it’s quite different . . . deep inside there’s the sadness that i’ve long been trying to hide. the sadness because of the feeling that’s something’s missing in your life . . . the comfort . . . the comfort of people . . . the people you love . . . the people you care for . . . the wish that this comfort be mutual . . .
i told them of my "down moments" and you know, it’s really nice to once in a while feel assured that these people really care. that they’d still be there for you . . . that no matter how far you may be . . . you acknowledge each other’s presence in your lives and you do your best to show how much you value them being part of your life.
when i visited up last week, i learned that my favorite professor at my college, dr. ma. joy v. abrenica, had a class that time. i took the opportunity to wait until her class is done. i wanted to talk to her . . . chat a bit . . . tell her of my life after college. it felt good . . . she got surprised upon seeing me, at first she didn’t realize who i was but after a few moments of thinking she realized who i was . . . a lot slimmer student of hers, haha.
we chatted for quite a while . . . i told her about my job . . . that i’m happy with it and i could see she’s happy for me. we were both in a hurry that time so we had to cut short the chat . . . but i’ll never forget one part of our conversation. she told me, "you know, you’re a very good student . . . why don’t you join us in the graduate studies?" i got surprised with that, actually. although i am considering going back to studying in time, it’s something i couldn’t see happening in the near future. i was very honest to tell her about that and it is just flattering that she said "well, think about it. the deadline is january 31, but should you decide later than that, just talk to me, i’d be very much willing to write the endorsement for you." i knew, i was one of her favorite students back in college . . . i guess we just click . . . i like her teaching style and so, i always get high grades during exams . . . which of course, pleased her . . . but i never thought that’s how much she regards of me. before we parted ways that day, she reminded me of the graduate studies and said "don’t take developmental economics, you’ll be too good for that . . . take the master’s degree."
you know, it felt good . . . it was an ego booster for me. during these moments when i feel so low as a person . . . it’s these kinds of trust and assurances from people that somehow boost my ego again.
as for the graduate studies . . . well, i don’t want to make a drastic decision for the next two weeks. maybe i’ll try entertaining the idea next year. but for this incoming school year, pass muna siguro . . . trabaho na lang muna . . . if i add up school load . . . good luck sa akin . . . most probably i couldn’t concentrate well din naman . . . there are many things that i have in mind . . . many things to deal with . . . many things to think about . . . many things to put focus on for the meantime.
i’m not sure if i’d shared this in my previous blogs . . . but i’m really finding comfort in this song for the past couple of weeks already . . .
"Crash And Burn"
by: Savage Garden
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It’s hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can’t take anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not alone
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You’re caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can’t face the day
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not alone
‘Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it’s over you’ll breathe again
You’ll breath again
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not alone
two days ago, while watching a show on tv, i heard this song and immediately fell in love with it. it hit me . . . for all of my life, i’ve always given up my happiness for the sake of others. in making decisions, i’ve never followed my heart . . . i always went for the mind. i always wanted to do the thing which is right and perhaps, the thing which brings happiness to the people around me. you know, some say that it’s a "saintly" act . . . well, maybe . . . but to tell you honestly, it’s not easy . . . because as a person, you’ll really sometimes long for your own happiness . . . the happiness which comes from the heart. i’ve realized such happiness for me comes out whenever i make the people around me happy . . . that’s why i always went for deciding by following the mind . . . for it’s in thinking that you’d realize which will make the people around you happy. with this song, i thought . . . will time come that for once in my life, i will obey what my heart’s been dictating on me? my whole life, i’m satisfied bringing joy to the people around me . . . but it is a risk. if you don’t get valued . . . you end up with nothing . . . nothing more to give . . . nothing more left for yourself. i don’t know . . . in time, we’ll see . . . if for once, i’d decide to obey the heart . . . and for once think about myself . . . an early prediction, though: i don’t think i’d do that . . . you know me, i’m the people person . . . masaktan na ako . . . mapasaya ko lang ang iba . . .
Go with My Heart
by: Joan Ilagan
So many things i want to do
I want to do, soar to the sky
Reach out for dreams that may come true
[Refrain]
But every time that i would try
People would stop and ask me why
Then/And i learned to listen to the voice inside
I learned to let my heart decide
[Chorus]
I’ve got to go with my heart
Got to trust what i feel
Got to go with my heart
Turning back, this time it’s real
I know my heart will lead me to my dreams
To where i gotta be
I’ve got to go with my heart
So many things i want to be
I want to be bright as a star
High up afar
To share my light for all to see
[repeat Refrain and Chorus]
I know now what to do
I know now what to be
And i believe i am ready
Cos i know where to start
It’s right here in my heart
Deep within
[repeat Chorus]
Go with my heart
This time, this time it’s real
I know my heart will lead me to my dreams
I’ve got to go with my heart
–GI 30682
thoughts | Comment (0)in the comfort of your own family
wow . . . i’m really lagging with regard to writing my blog entries . . . sorry for that . . .
i spent the holidays with my family, as what most of us do. in the first place, i had no choice . . . i was battling my "worth as a friend" that time as well. i was longing to find my worth . . . and since i was having a hard time satisfying myself in finding it lately with my friends, i sought to find my worth in my family . . . longing for their company . . . longing for their comfort.
it was great . . . we’ve all grown up so we were enjoying every moment that we’d be complete hanging out and basically just enjoying each other’s company. it was turning out to be a good idea to divert my longing to find my value in my friends in my family’s company but then at the end of the day, i realized it was still different . . .
yeah . . . i figured those are two different things. i was longing to find my worth as a friend . . . and you can never have that satisfied by feeling your worth in your family. your worth as a family member is different from your worth as a friend. a part for your longing has been satisfied, yes . . . but not completely. what do i mean by that? well, it’s like being hungry and craving for a slice of chocolate cake. what did you do next? you went to the restaurant and ordered french fries. yes, your hunger has been satisfied but not quite . . . for your craving for chocolate cake has not been met. it’s like that . . . my having found company in my family was not enough to satisfy my longing to be valued as a friend.
during those moments with my family, i realized lots of things. we’ve all grown up and of course, we had other things to do. we’ve been preoccupied with lots of things like work that we hardly found time to be complete. and so, we just always grab the opportunity to go out as a whole family whenever a special occasion occurs.
it really sank to me . . . wow, has it been that long? were our parents proud of how their 3 children have become? not so long ago, we were just schoolchildren enjoying the perks of life . . . going on vacation once in a while. and now, look at all of us . . . already working . . . basically becoming career persons and as you can say it . . . living the lives we once have dreamt of.
i would recall during our younger days when i’d always sleep on my mom’s lap inside the car. or during our vacations and dad would drive the van, i’d stay at the last row and basically consider it to be my bed. or how about the moments when i’d go singing nonstop from manila to baguio providing entertainment for the whole family. mind you, ha . . . some of those things were caught on video pa . . . yuck! kakahiya . . . haha
it was interesting how my relationship with my brother has developed. when we were still kids, he’d always bully me around . . . you guys have no idea of how "battered" i was as a young kid . . . i guess, my brother was in a way frustrated for not having a brother in the family so, there i was . . . getting the punches whenever we’d have arguments as kids.
i used to hate my brother, really. you can’t blame me, right? as a kid, he’d always hurt me. but i was aware of how much he loved me. even when we were kids, as long as i don’t get on his nerves we’re ok . . . we’re like buddies . . . enjoying every trip to the toy shop . . . being a team in nagging our mom to buy the latest toys . . . we’ve shared many moments of getting lost inside shopping malls because we love to sneak out to get to the toy stores . . . e hello?? ‘di pa uso ang mobile phones noon . . . haha
i was afraid of him, really . . . because i don’t know when we’re ok and when we’re not. i don’t know when i can play with him and when i’d be punched. i was a crybaby back then.
but i’ll never forget one moment in my life . . . that day back in second year high. during those moments, my brother and i go to school together. before he goes to his college in ateneo, he’d drop me off at my high school. it was during those times when i started to have suitors . . . and i remember one day when he was driving me to my school. we had a conversation . . . he was reminding me of how young i still am . . . and that i shouldn’t rush into things . . . getting into a relationship, that is. i remembered as i went inside classroom, i was staring blankly in front for the longest time. my barkada asked what was wrong with me . . . i just said with a smile "i just had the best conversation with my brother . . ."
that was the turning point . . . i felt his concern as a brother ever since. well, yes . . . once in a while we’d still have arguments but i guess that’s normal for siblings.
now, we’re all working. i remember one time, back when i still used to eat . . . my brother and i happened to arrive about the same time from work. as you see, both of us arrive from work kinda late at night. so anyway, as we were eating . . . i realized how grown up we’ve become. while we were eating, we were asking each other how our day was . . . it was something we’ve never asked each other before. aside from that, we’ve discussed about current events . . . i realized . . . wow, we really are professionals now.
when i was younger, i used to wonder how grown up siblings eventually become more concerned with each other . . . having less arguments and kulitans, that is. now, i’m living that scenario . . . and it’s nice . . . although my brother and i would have our once in a while kulitans, we’ve always shown our concern for each other’s welfare. it’s nice.
recently, i found out that my sister’s papers with regard to migrating to the united states has already been approved. she’ll be leaving in a few months . . . i could see the sadness in my parents but i was doing my best to put on a brave face. you know me, i do my best to put on a mask to hide the sadness in my face and act happy when in fact i’m not. for me, i was thinking "why should i be sad? i should be happy . . . because maybe that’s where my sister and her family will find success in life." but then again, i was thinking . . . it’s easy to be brave right now . . . but who knows when that day really arrives . . . i guess i’ll be choking as well. it’s not that i don’t want her to leave . . . but it’s because i’ll be missing her and my nephew . . . i’ve been with them my whole life . . . and things will be different now, i guess.
it sank to me . . . we’re grown ups . . . and inevitable as it is . . . time will really come that you’ll make a decision to part ways (not permanently, though . . . just the distance, i guess) with your family as you start a new life . . . as you really start making a statement of how you’ve lived your life.
will i reach that point? will i still be alive by then? will i still live long enough to start a family? i don’t know . . .
during the holidays, my family finally noticed my temporary tattoos. ever since i was young, they were aware that i’ve always wanted to have a tattoo but they’ve forbidden me for health reasons. so anyway, now that there are temporary tattoos without having the need to use needles and also, having had the urge to do something as you’re battling lots of things in mind, i’ve decided to put on a number of temporary tattoos in my body.
the only tattoo they’ve noticed was the one at my wrist. they were still trying to recover from the shock upon seeing my tattoed wrist, i said "actually, may dalawa pa akong tattoo e." and then i rolled up the sleeves and lowered the collar of my shirt. haha
anyway, legal na ang pagpapa-tattoo ko. my parents say it’s ok . . . i just have to promise that they are temporary ones that i’m gonna put on once in a while. oh well, pwede na rin ‘yun . . . 
off topic: i’m working on an experiment now. i hope it works. pray that it works, please . . . promise, walang mapapahamak sa ginagawa ko . . . haha . . . i’d be happy if this experiment turns out to be a success. kaya pray n’yo for its success, ha? 
–GI 30682
thoughts | Comment (0)hay buhay . . .
funny when 2 days ago, i met up with a friend and got surprised with regard to how she reacted upon seeing me . . . "gi! wow, you look good. what happened?"
i got surprised with that comment. everyone who reads my blog would be aware that i wasn’t in the highest spirit for the past couple of weeks . . . how in the world will i look good, ‘di ba? weird . . .
but that wasn’t the first time that it has happened. late last year, i visited my former office and we were laughing as we were reminiscing how i look totally different now than early last year. yep . . . i’ve lost more than 20lbs in a year . . . so, they confronted me. what was my secret? i said nothing . . . i just hardly ate because i had lots of things in mind. when asked about what things in mind exactly, i just said . . . "some thoughts, kunsomisyon sa buhay siguro . . . daming bagay na nakaka-depress . . ." i laughed at their reply. they said . . . "alam mo, sa iyo lang nagdulot ng maganda ang kunsomisyon sa buhay . . ."
well, everyone’s been basically complementing me about my much better look although many have said that i’m way too thin already that i need to stop and eat. i don’t know . . . i’ve lost my tastebuds? haha
i visited my former office earlier today and laughed at the way they welcomed me . . . "gi! you look like a stick! you’re so thin!" haha . . . everyone was speculating that i have a special someone right now . . . nope, i don’t have one. and since they don’t believe me, they escorted me back to my car just to be sure that i really wasn’t with anyone. haha . . . wala na nga ako sa dnd . . . pagtsi-tsismisan n’yo pa ako. haha . . . but honestly, i don’t think lovelife is something that i’d have in the near future . . .
i heard mass last weekend . . . it was the epiphany, right? so anyway, i remembered the priest’s homily . . . i forgot how he connected this story to the gospel (halatang may mga moments na lumulutang utak ko . . . haha! hey, alam n’yo namang marami akong iniisip lately e! :p) so anyway, the story he said was about a woman who goes out of her mind every nth month of the year.
of course with that, the woman is always ridiculed by many. it was later on found out that the reason why the woman goes out of her mind every time that certain month draws near, because it was the month that her lover left her. awwww . . . ang sad, ano? 
i thought about myself . . . every nth day of the month, i’m still down. well, not to the point of being out of my mind but i just remember the moment and how it still hurts. my friends know me . . . i love counting . . . and although i haven’t started my "grabe, it’s been ___ months na pala since my last *toot* haha . . ." i realized that at the end of the month, it’s gonna be 6 months since . . . i figured, wow, has it been that long? half a year already? it seemed just like yesterday . . . and i haven’t moved on completely . . .
to continue with the homily, the priest said it needed an innocent boy to call the attention of those who ridicule the lady . . . saying those people are more pitiful for they don’t know how to console the woman and understand her. talk about sensitivity, di ba?
sensitivity . . . sometimes i wonder if people at restaurants are sensitive enough to listen to conversations of their customers. one time, i went out with a friend. as we were eating at a restaurant, i was telling her about my recent heartache . . . it just seemed quite uncomfortable because we realized the songs being played at that restaurant were all "heartbroken songs". i came to the point of blurting out . . . "wow . . . nananadya ba mga tao dito?" i’m sorry, but the songs made me feel like i’m telling my sad story to charo santos-concio who’s planning to do a "maalaala mo kaya" episode of it. haha
there was another moment when i met another friend and told him of my ordeal with regard to the question "am i being valued as a friend?" he, in turn, was saying of other sentiments which, well . . . we both kinda agreed upon. and to our amazement, we realized the song being played at that coffee shop we’re staying is jan arden’s "insensitive". talk about coincidences . . .
no . . . it’s not what you’re thinking . . . i’m not here to write again about my sentiments about not feeling my worth and all that. i’m ok now . . . it’s been settled . . . thanks to a good friend . . .
so going back to my introduction, this friend i saw days ago . . . we had a long conversation. we basically talked about life . . . and i shared my "low morale" moment with her. she shared a story quite similar to what i was dealing with and she was making me see the other side of things. in the end, we just both gave a big sigh saying "hay buhay . . ." we looked at each other and laughed. no further explanation . . . we both got the meaning of that expression and why we uttered those two words. we came to the point of realizing that as you get older, you really are faced with much more difficult problems to deal with. to the point you’d say, i wanna go back to college. which again, made us realize that when we were back in college, we loved saying "i wanna go back to high school." we figured, there are just more challenges as you go through life. and you’re left with no choice but to face it and make the most out of it . . . because one thing’s for sure . . . you can never go back.
it was a good conversation and i was glad that out of the blue that day, i’ve decided to surprise her by visiting her. it was nice when she understood my sentiments but what i’ll never forget was her advice . . . i was saying "i’ll wait. i’m too hurt to do the first move". and she said "it’s not about how hurt you are. it’s not degrading to always do the first move. if you really want this fixed, it’s regardless of who does the first move . . ."
i know i’ve said this before . . . i’m a good listener to people with problems but i’m a stubborn listener with regard to advices given to me. but it doesn’t end there. i love thinking at night, before i sleep, i do reflections about my day and how it turned out. it’s during those moments that i think about what people tell me . . . and consider their advices. i may be stubborn at first, but i always listen.
i’ve decided to give the advice a shot. the next day, i found an opportunity to do so. and i was sure glad i listened . . . because it turned out well . . . and it felt good. i immediately texted my friend to say thanks for the advice, i gave it a shot, and it worked.
wow . . . that was really the best advice i got with regard to that dilemma . . . i’m really glad i listened . . . well, i always do . . . sometimes, late nga lang but i still do. i’m glad it came at the right time . . . when i think everything just fell into place . . .
i’m grateful enough for that advice . . . i don’t know how to repay my friend. i guess i’ll just have to show my gratitude to her by offering her a lifetime supply of her favorite banana cue . . . haha . . .
i’m happy now . . . yes, i am
–GI 30682
thoughts | Comment (1)the door
i was putting up new calendars on my wall as the new year had started and i noticed that the calendar i posted had fortunes written for people born on a certain year. i got curious . . . i checked mine out . . . year of the dog . . . here goes . . .
zodiac nature: faithful and loyal and a label of responsibility. Should make more practical and realistic consideration to access successful returns.
ok. with regard to the first sentence . . . i don’t want to brag . . . kayo na ang bahalang mag-confirm kung totoo ‘yan. check out my testimonials at friendster and you’ll see . . . as for the second sentence, with what i’ve been thinking of lately, the people around me have really been advising the same thing: not to give it all . . . ’cause you’d just get upset when things turn out wrong.
i don’t know . . . i’ve been quick to answer them by saying it’s one thing i’ve always promised myself to be doing . . . living selflessly . . . living for others. as what i’ve always been insisting on them, i’m never demanding that they return what i’ve done exactly the same way. i’m a simple person . . . i’d rather go for small yet meaningful things. just simple gestures which would really touch your heart having realized that they truly value your existence in their lives.
the calendar included my fortune for the year . . . check it out . . .
prospect of the year: life is full of disputes and changes yet; many problems will be solved with the help of friendly people. have perseverance to overcome difficulties to achieve profitable goals. have a chance to find your true love even though you may have lost it at the very beginning.
is that a promising future? i don’t know . . . "many problems will be solved with the help of friendly people" . . . i’d love to hang on to that . . . sana nga. "find your true love even though you may have lost it at the very beginning" . . . so, is moving on something i’d be able to achieve this year? sana nga . . .
but you know, i’m not in a hurry to rush into things . . . with regard to love life that is. it will come, i guess . . . at the right time. but right now, i’d rather deal with my longing to see my value as a person.
ever since i was young, i’ve always done my best to be a good friend. for me, being a true friend meant being there in good times and in bad. i’ve always been the kind who’s willing to do favors the best way i know how . . . i’ve decided to be selfless . . . to give unconditionally . . . a couple of my friends will always scold me for being such because of others’ tendency to abuse the kindness. i’ve often told them . . . i’m pleased to be abused . . .
what keeps me inspired to continue doing such? simple lang . . . the appreciation i’m getting from people . . . the value of the friendship i’ve offered. how they thank the heavens for the opportunity to learn of my existence in this world. you know what makes me happy big time? it’s when people show how thankful they are to have you as a friend. when you see their smiles . . . the real ones . . . after doing something nice to them. how they’d go out of their way to do something money cannot buy . . . just to show the appreciation. with those things . . . it’s enough to keep me going . . . it is enough to keep me inspired to continue doing good to others . . . be it simple or not.
i’ve always kept the many things my friends have given me as a way of showing their appreciation. i don’t know what hit me last night but since i couldn’t sleep, i ended up just staring blankly inside my room . . . i looked at my door and there i saw something i’ve posted 2 years ago. a surprise from my college batchmates . . . their simple gesture of thanks for everything i’ve done to them. i smiled as it caught my attention again. i stood in front of it and began reading those letters again.
on the top is a letter from a friend . . . a graduation gift . . . in there she apologized for giving an inexpensive gift for me. but you know what? i’ve considered that as the best graduation gift i got. who cares about the material stuff i’ve received as reward for graduating as a dean’s medalist . . . what my friend did was something money cannot buy. it touched my heart for i knew in the letter . . . it contained her real feelings of being thankful for having me as a friend. it also included "10 things i love about ghi (yeah, she loves spelling my name that way *sheesh*) . . . i was laughing as i read it again. how i was willing to be silly in front of my friends just to make them happy . . . how i’d gladly drive them to their job interviews even if i had no intention of applying in that company. how i always take note of their favorite food and once in a while surprise them by bringing their favorite food at our tambayan . . . and the many other things i do. i’ve always dreamt of being sensitive to other people’s needs . . . you know, to be able to have the talent to feel what they need at the moment and supply it already even before they ask for it. i love doing that . . .
then i went to another letter . . . it was from another friend whom i had a certain "tampuhan" with. i was laughing at how "cheesy" the letter was as i’m reading it right now but i remembered how it touched my heart reading it back then. in that letter was an apology for being an "absentee friend" and her realizations of the kind of friend i deserve that she realized she’s not. i remember when she handed that letter . . . she surprised me by going to my house . . . i was supposed to go out but luckily, she beat time by a couple of minutes. at the instant we’ve talked, she just cried in front of me . . . and how she said "i don’t want to lose you as a friend" i’ve always been the type who has a soft heart . . . and people are aware of how easily i forgive people as long as they realize what my sentiment was to them. we got along after . . .
the next letter . . . it was already kinda stained but i’ve also cherished that. i remembered the situation as to how my friend handed that letter to me . . . with a slice of my favorite strawberry cheesecake. i’ve always been the kind who’s well with words . . . i guess i have the talent of making people feel better about themselves with my words. i wish i could do the same to myself. so anyway, the letter was just a thank you note because i’ve always been saying the right things at the right time. because i had a way of making them feel worthy as a person. we met early in the morning, say 7am because we were planning to go and have a study group for our finals. i found out that she woke up earlier so she can go to a shop and buy a slice of my favorite cheesecake. it’s just touching to know that perhaps i’m able to teach people to go out of their way and do simple things for others. and sometimes it’s flattering to realize that they’ve done it for you.
the last thing posted at my door was a big card intended to be a birthday gift for me by the organization i’ve become an honorary member of. even though i’m not obliged to do some of their work, i did. i helped them . . . i never got tired because i’ve always seen how they’ve welcomed the friendship i gave them. i remember the scenario . . . it was my birthday, march 6, 2004 . . . i didn’t have class that time so i didn’t intend to come to up. as what i always do every year during my birthday, i invite people and i treat them out. we were supposed to go out to celebrate my birthday, of course, my treat. but then, they suggested to just have the party at my home. i gave in . . . so the original plan was, i’ll just wait for them to arrive to my house.
but then, i offered to bring them home. that’s why i went to up that day. i was looking for them at our tambayan, but no one was there. as what i always do in their tambayan, i just check out the bulletin board . . . sometimes, they leave messages for me there. there i saw a big blue card . . . something which upon opening it, results to a big "GI" card. i didn’t realize right away that the card was for me. i read the content of that "made up" card . . . that’s when i’ve realized that it’s a birthday card for me . . . with all of them writing thank you messages and good luck as you move on to your next phase in life notes. i was flattered. i immediately texted the secretary of the organization and thanked them for the card. i was expecting a reply like "no problem, it’s the least we can do to you" but i got surprised . . . i received a different reply. want to know it was? it turned out "walangya ka! bakit mo binasa ‘yung card? surprise ‘yun para sa iyo mamaya e . . ." o ‘di ba? pinagalitan pa ako . . . i was laughing when they came running inside the tambayan to get the card from me saying it’s not yet finished. they said i shouldn’t have read it. i told them it was their mistake, leaving something, that is meant to be a secret for someone, in a public place.
so anyway, eventually we went home. it’s flattering because although i’ve prepared food (fine! i didn’t cook, i don’t know how . . . i just ordered them) they went to the kitchen to cook my favorite carbonara. then . . . they made a different surprise. they brought in another favorite cake of mine, brazo de mercedes, with the number "22" on it (which was my age that time) and the words "happy birthday, gi from your friends at ETC). those are the kinds of things i want in life . . . the simple gestures of appreciation of having you as a friend. it turned out to be a great night.
after having read those letters at my door and having relieved the moments inside my mind, i also remembered the other moments i’ve cherished that people have done for me . . . mostly, during my birthday. i remember back in grade 6, i found it funny that the whole class didn’t greet me . . . i was sure they were aware that it’s my birthday but everyone seemed so busy that day. i’m not the kind who’d tell people "uy! birthday ko ngayon!" no . . . i don’t boast. sometimes, i just surprise them by saying "tara, let’s go out. my treat" and when asked for the reason of the treat, that’s when i admit that it was my birthday.
to continue with the story, as the bell was about to start, i realized that the whole class was nowhere to be seen inside our classroom. all of a sudden, my best bud in class approached me and invited me to come to the planetarium with her. upon asking why, she just said that she has a secret to tell me. so i gave in. we went to the planetarium and to my surprise, the whole class is there . . . singing me the famous birthday song . . . with each of them handing their own birthday cards for me . . . and a big package that they asked me to open in front of them. it was a stuffed toy . . . i still have it . . . it’s a little bit torn and everytime my mom tells me to throw it away, i just couldn’t . . . it’s got a sentimental value . . . i was touched with my classmates gesture.
in college, i organized a birthday surprise for one of my best buds. it turned out to be a success. but what i didn’t know . . . that as i was busy organizing the surprise, they were also brewing up a surprise for my birthday which comes days after. it was a cute surprise really that they gave me. i was at our favorite tambayan at math building and having known it’s my free time, i just sat there with our other blockmates who also have free periods. a friend of mine called up and i stood to get away from my blockmates to get a better signal. i found it weird ’cause they commanded me to just stay where i was and just tell my friend to call later. i obeyed them without knowing the reason why. minutes after, i was surprised to see 3 masked men approaching me . . . as i took a closer look at the mask, those were pictures of the 3 guys i have a crush on at up . . . the people wearing the mask were my men blockmates and it’s really funny how each of them will approach me while still wearing the mask and say "ms. gi andres, will you be my date tonight?" laughtrip. ok, the cake was there as they were singing the birthday song, and in those 2 occasions that a cake was given to me, i’ve kept the candles.
my feet got glued to the floor as i was reading the letters posted at my door. i came to the point of thinking last night why have i forgotten about those things i’ve posted? back then, i posted those things to remind me that these people i’ve done random acts of kindness on have appreciated it. but then i realized, sometimes, as one thing gets too familiar you tend to not notice it anymore. thank god, i noticed those letters again at my door. somehow, i long for those moments . . . the moments of simple gestures done by friends to make me feel that they appreciated my being "sacrificial" for them (pahiram ng term, liggy . . . ‘yun ang nilagay mo sa letter e, haha).
have i really been that busy that i’ve lost the famous "gi andres charisma"? i don’t know . . . i myself have been trying to answer that for the longest time now . . . to no avail.
i got in touch with them and upon asking how i’ve been lately, i told them i was quite questioning my worth as a person the past few days . . . i was touched with their reply which i’ve saved in my mobile phone. i felt satisfied having realized that these people back in college still treasure what i did for them before. we still try to get in touch once in a while, but all of us are career persons already and are based quite far from each other. although it’s really hard for us to have a schedule for meeting up, we’ve always done our best to get in touch by other means . . . mobile phones, the internet, mail . . .
just right now . . . from the time after my college days . . . i just want to look at myself . . . have i really done anything . . . enough for my friendship to be valued? or perhaps, i really hadn’t been a good friend . . . that’s why i deserve this lousy feeling i have right now? if i hadn’t been a good friend, then i deserve this treatment . . . to not feel that my existence has been valued . . .
–GI 30682
thoughts | Comment (0)patay na si saddam
you know my morning ritual? everyday, as i wake up . . . i check my two mobile phones for the messages i’ve received.
saturday, december 30, 2006. the first text i read in my globe mobile phone was about the death of saddam hussein. sheesh . . . you know what i realized? it’s not good that the first text you read upon waking up in the morning is the news of someone’s death.
as i read that text, i got shocked. i mistook it to be someone else who had died. immediately, i thought: "walangya ka! bakit mo ako inunahan? e sabi ko sa iyo, dapat ako ang unang mamamatay!" then again, i realized something. i’ve been having sleepless nights for more than a week now and i remembered i was still awake until 3am that time. i was channel surfing and i happened to see the breaking news at cnn about saddam’s turnover to iraq from us custody . . . something people consider to be the final step before saddam gets executed. and so, i read the text again . . . to my relief i got the message correctly this time . . . it’s saddam hussein who had died and not somebody else.
who cares about saddam hussein? people see him as an evil person . . . someone who caused many deaths in the middle east. well, i guess that’s the main reason . . . he’s been in power for the longest time and it has caused fear to many . . . how he has become a dictator and how many people lived in fear.
although i know that there are quite a number who mourn his death, i’m sure it’s not comparable to the number of people rejoicing now that he’s gone. at least people who used to live in fear can now live in peace. i saw the video at cnn of the final moments before his execution as well as the picture of his dead body and in a way, i got scared. oh well, i’ve always been scared of his face anyway.
i remembered it was december 30, that day. here in the philippines, we’re commemmorating the death of our national hero, dr. jose p. rizal. oh well . . . they’re 2 different people anyway . . . our jose rizal was considered a hero . . . saddam, as a dictator. jose rizal was shot to death . . . saddam was hanged. i remember learning from the news that given a choice, saddam wanted to die from gunshot than being hanged. i guess, there’s more dignity in an execution from gunshot . . . oh well . . . imagine . . . during the time when saddam was in power, he was the one ordering the execution of people . . . had he realized he’ll be meeting the same fate?
i was thinking, maybe right now people are relieved having known of saddam’s death. then again, i thought . . . what if through time . . . history proves that this is a wrong decision? what if history later proves that saddam never had weapons of mass destruction? what if in time . . . history dictates that saddam be considered a hero?
history . . . i’m so relieved that i’m already working. i pity the future generations. imagine . . . they have lots to study about history. i remember during our grade school and high school days, as we talk about the philippine history, we’ll end in the presidency of cory aquino. now . . . poor kids, they have to study until GMA’s time. hmmm . . . i wonder, will i be part of the history they’re studying? i’ve worked for the government, anyway . . . my boss had worked for the cabinet.
well, i guess we have to be thankful that we still have a young republic . . . thus, less history to be studied. talk about the united states, ‘di ba? shoots . . . such a long history to be studied. i guess that’s the main reason why i’ve realized more are being injected to kids at an early stage in school. i was comparing what my nephew’s already studying at prep . . . equilateral triangle??? i think i’ve learned about that when i was already in grade 4!!
i had the opportunity to be a student teacher back in high school, and having been good at math, i was given the task to teach prep students about math and other sunjects, actually. anyway, the lesson was reading time . . . sad to say, i couldn’t locate my books back in prep so i relied on my grade 1 books. i saw that the "reading time" lesson we had back in grade 1 was just all about moving the hour hand. and so, that’s what i did as i taught the prep kids . . . after a couple of minutes of playing with the hour hand, a student of mine raised her hand. when i called on her attention, she said "teacher gi, galawin mo naman ‘yung minute hand. ang dali-dali naman n’yan e!" wow . . . i told that incident to my friends, and they really laughed so hard. i remember telling my student, "ok, ok! i will . . . pasensya na, ha. noong grade 1 kasi ako, hour hand lang ang ginagalaw ng teacher ko e." haha.
i’m sorry for putting up such a morbid topic this new year’s day. the topic of death . . . but you know, i’m sure most of you are aware of it already . . . about my lonesome days lately . . . in my previous blog, i hinted a part about death. now, as i’m discussing about death, i thought . . . it’s already 2007. by march, i’ll be turning 25. i thought . . . hey, i think it’s a good age for death . . . by then, i will have lived a quarter of a century already . . . maybe, i’ve already contributed a couple of things to people . . . to no avail maybe . . . have never felt my worth, sad to say . . . ok, ok! i’ll shut up! i won’t talk about my death . . . but hey guys! as i’ve always told you . . . death is an inevitable reality of life . . . everyone who lives will eventually die. and as i’ve always said . . . i’d die before you all . . .
oh well . . . the many realizations that came to my mind just because of a single thought . . . "patay na si saddam . . ."
–GI 30682
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