shattered dreams . . . (plus a message of appreciation to some special friends)

since it’s still the month of september, i’m still under this "emote mode" . . . i was being quiet inside the office yesterday, playing heartbroken songs . . . and basically, just getting all the more depressed . . .

anyway, i started playing the song "one last cry" by brian mcknight and as the intro starts playing, i asked my officemate if she knows the song.  immediately she answered, "shattered dreams".  i answered back saying i also have a copy of the song "shattered dreams," by that i mean the new wave song.  in the mind of my officemate, she was thinking why have i answered such?  the song is already playing and why would i brag that i also have a copy of the song when in fact it’s already playing inside my pc . . . but then she opted to keep quiet.  as the intro was about to end, i suddenly started laughing out loud inside my room.  that’s when i realized the first line of the song . . . "my shattered dreams . . ." my officemate and i were sharing the same language game after all.  apparently, she wasn’t aware of the real title but she knew the song . . . so much for laughs, huh?

now, i was reading some blog posts of a couple of friends and something caught my attention.  a simple statement from one friend.  these aren’t the exact words but basically, what she wanted to say was:  "i thought i’m the only one with lots of problems at this point, until i realized there are others who have far more bigger problems than what i have right now."  a simple statement, but it meant a lot.  i immediately made a comment on her post by saying, "most probably you’ve read my recent blog posts and realized all the sentiments i have lately . . ." haha . . . i wish time will come when i can utter the same words she posted in her blog . . . being able to say that i’m thankful to realize there are some who have bigger sentiments than me . . . though i doubt if i’d be able to say those words in the near future.

i’m still down . . . been crying more . . . am frustrated . . . to feel that nothing is going right in your life . . . depressing, huh . . .

i’m here to add more songs . . . *sigh* care to join me in crying, peeps?

please don’t go girl by new kids on the block - "please don’t go . . . you would ruin my whole world; tell me you’ll stay, never ever go away" (i need a female version of this song)

one sweet day by mariah carey featuring boys 2 men - "sorry i never told you, all i wanted to say" (hey, don’t get me wrong . . . i just like the line . . . don’t think about death muna . . . next time na ‘yun)

why don’t you and i by santana - "every time i try to talk to you, i get tongue-tied; turns out, everything i say to you, comes out wrong and never comes out right"

if you come back by blue - "maybe i didn’t know how to show it, and maybe i didn’t know what to say"

if you could read my mind by stars on 54 - "never thought i could feel this way, and i’ve got to say that i just don’t get it; i don’t know where we went wrong"

i don’t want to be your friend by nina - "i don’t wanna see your face, i don’t wanna hear your name; i don’t wanna think, just stay away baby; don’t wanna know if you’re alright, or what you’re doin’ with your life; don’t wanna hear you say you’ll just stay in touch baby, i’ll get by just fine; and if you’re goin’ then darlin’, goodbye . . . goodbye" and "i’ll forget we ever met, i’ll forget I ever let
ever let you into this heart of mine baby; you just gotta let me be, you gotta keep away from me; ’cause all I want is just to be free from you baby" and "i’m not over you yet, and i don’t want to be your friend"

damned by shimoli - "damned, how could i ever want you for my man, i’ve lost you now, so why do i care?"

saddest song i ever heard by soul for real - "now when the radio plays, i just wanna run away; ’cause it hurts so much inside, oh that song just makes me cry"

wake me up when september ends by green day - "here comes the rain again, falling from the stars; drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are; as my memory rests, but never forgets what i lost; wake me up when september ends"

with or without you by u2 - "i can’t live, with or without you . . ."

in these arms by bon jovi - "like the roses need the rain, like a poet needs a pen; like the seasons need to change, i need you"

who’s holding donna now by el debarge - "sometimes a love won’t let go, hard as i try i know it shows; everybody’s telling me, you’ll be over her (dapat him, hehe) eventually; but how am i supposed to feel so secure"

sad to belong by england dan and john ford coley - "wish i had a time machine, i could make myself go back; until the day i was born, and i would live my life again; and rearrange it so, that i’ll be yours from now on"

selfish by nsync - "and i can’t help myself, babe, ’cause i think about you constantly; and my heart gets no rest over you"

shattered dreams by johnny hates jazz - "and now you’ve given me, given me, nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams; feel like i could run away, run away, from this empty heart" and "woke up to reality, and found the future not so bright; i dreamt the impossible, that maybe things could work out right" (now, this is the new wave "shattered dreams" song that i was talking about earlier)

same ground by kitchie nadal - "my love, it’s been a long time since i cried and left you out of the blue; it’s hard leaving you that way when, i never wanted to" and "that’s why i don’t understand, why i’m feeling so bad now when i know it was my idea"

ikaw pa rin by juana - "bakit nga ba itong pusong sinugatan; tila nais pa ring maramdaman, tamis ng yakap mo’t halik"

coming around again by carly simon - "so don’t mind if i fall apart, there’s more room in a broken heart" and "i believe in love, no one knows where or when; so in love with you"

constantly by nina - " constantly, you’re on my mind, thinking about you all the time; i can’t sleep no matter what i do, i just keep on thinking about you"

forever by damage - "i can’t eat, i can’t sleep; i can’t breathe, whenever i’m without you; when we walk, i stand tall; when i talk, i only talk about you"

heart of mine by bobby caldwell - "heart of mine, how will you keep from dying; stop reminiscing"

cry for help by rick astley - "why won’t she say she needs me, i know she’s not as strong as she seems" and "why must we hide emotions, why can’t we ever break down and cry"

where are you now by janet jackson - "if i close my eyes, and make a wish; when they open will you be right here with me" and "could it be that two people were meant to be, in my dreams that’s what i feel; or could it be that i’ll never see you again, my love that was so true"

right next to me by whistle - "’cause i’ll be there one day and you will be right next to me"

will you still love me by chicago - "just say you’ll love me for the rest of your life, i gotta lot of love and I dont want to let go; will you still love me for the rest of my life?  ’cause i cant go on; no, I cant go on, i cant go on; if i’m on my own"

now, my officemate was teasing me yesterday of the best song that i should be playing lately.  believe me, although the song hit me dead-center, i just couldn’t help but laugh . . . check this out . . .

break it to me gently by angela bofill - "break it to me gently, if you have to, then tell me lies"

another friend suggested playing "paano ang puso ko" by april boy.  well . . . i’m not that desperate, ok?  but please . . . if i do reach that point, KILL ME! i’d rather lose my life than lose my reputation.  haha

i really appreciate how everybody goes out of their way to try to make me feel good.  with everyone who understands how down i am right now, i hope they’d feel how much i appreciated everything.  how they understood my every mood . . . my depressed moments . . . and the way they’d cheer me up . . . just to make me feel better . . .

i’d like to give my special thank yous to three people that i was with during the weekend.  i need not say your names . . . you know who you guys are . . . like what i’ve said in my text message to you guys, i want you to know how much i appreciated the moment we spent together . . . to be able to air out all the hurt and pain i’ve been feeling lately . . . to be able to laugh again even for a couple of hours . . . it felt good . . . i thought i’d never laugh again . . . thanks for the concern, the concern of making sure i’ll be alright . . . and the assurance that i know i can always count on you guys to make me feel better . . .

i know it’s hard for me to be able to do it right now . . . but, i promise . . . to do my best . . . to be able to move on . . . in time . . .

–GI 30682

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sound trip

today’s one day of september that i’m really dreading . . . well, what can i do?  i don’t have the powers to take it away from the calendar, right?  ok fine . . . my day didn’t start out right . . . kinda got better as i entered the office . . . although i wish that happiness would last until the next hour arrives . . . darn . . .

you know, when you’re feeling low, one way to really soothe yourself is to listen to music . . . and for the past couple of weeks . . . it’s still what i’m doing . . . does it help?   well, sometimes . . .

and so . . . here are the songs which are currently playing inside my car and pc . . . take a look at the lines i’ll be posting and i’m sure you’ll get the mood that i’m in right now . . .

someone’s always saying goodbye by allona - "why do people fall in love, and they end up crying; why do lovers walk away from themselves, when their hearts are breaking; why does loving sometimes never stay long, why does kissing this time; mean you’ll be gone, why does gladness become sadness; things that i don’t get; someone’s always saying goodbye, i believe it hurts when we cry; don’t we know parting’s never so easy, even though the aching’s inside; i believe some hearts won’t survive, trying hard to pretend that we’re gonna be fine"

i saw the sign by ace of base - "why do i bother, when you’re not the one for me" and "i saw the sign and it opened up my eyes"

don’t love you no more (i’m sorry) by craig david - "rain outside my window pouring down, what now, you’re gone, my fault, i’m sorry; feeling like a fool ’cause i let you down, now it’s too late to turn it around; . . . i guess this time it really is goodbye"

stitches and burns by fra lippo lippi - "people say that i’m a fool, well i don’t know; at least i found out, what it takes to be strong; i was dreaming all day long, a drifting cloud; with eyes wide open, i would choose not to see" and "now i don’t want to see you anymore . . ."

sayang ang lahat by true faith - "sayang ang lahat ng naumpisahan, hindi ko alam kung bakit ba ganoon ang nangyari" and "nakakahinayang at nasayang din ang lahat, nakakalungkot at ‘di ko mapigil ang iyak"

something to say by harem scarem - "i wish that i could say i’ve been feeling okay, that i’ll be bringing on the better days; but i wouldn’t feel right, knowing i was lying to you"

if you leave by omd - "if you leave i won’t cry, i won’t waste one single day; but if you leave don’t look back, i’ll be running the other way"

piano in the dark by brenda russell - "i know i’m caught up in the middle, i cry just a little; when i think of letting go, oh no, gave up on the riddle; i cry just a little . . ."

words get in the way by gloria estefan - "but the words get in the way, there’s so much i want to say; but it’s locked deep inside . . . i won’t even start to cry, and before we say goodbye; i tried to say i love you, but the words got in the way"

only reminds me of you by st. paul - "i tried to run from your side, but each place i hide; it only reminds me of you, when i turn out all the light; even the night, it only reminds me of you . . ."

two occasions by babyface - "i only think of you on two occasions, that’s day and night; i’d go for broke if i could be with you, only you can make it right"

can’t let go by mariah carey - "even though i try, i can’t let go; something in your eyes, captured my soul; and every night i see you in my dreams, you’re all i know; i can’t let go"

what hurts the most by rascal flatts - "i can take a few tears now and then just let them out, i’m not afraid to cry once in a while; even though going on with you gone still upsets me, there are days every now and again i pretend i’m ok; but that’s not what gets me, what hurts the most; was being so close, and having so much to say . . ." (thanks jeck for reminding me of this song . . .)

hurting inside by u-turn - "that i’m hurting inside, all these tears i can’t hide; life is never easy without you, baby, i want you to know; that i’m hurting inside, the pain is deep inside (i can’t mend it) wising you would come to ease the pain in my heart . . ."

i by 6 cycle mind - "at ngayong wala ka na, hindi alam kung saan magsisimula; ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba, wala bang bukas"

i’m still in love with you by new edition - "so what would i do without your love, baby it’s heaven sent from above; and i know that in my heart, i’m the best for you" and "time passes so fast babe, i wish it would last babe; ’cause i know in my heart, that my life ends and starts with you"

love takes time by mariah carey - "i had it all, but i let it slip away; couldn’t see i treated you wrong, now i wander around; feeling down and cold, trying to believe that you’re gone; love takes time, to heal when you’re hurting so much; couldn’t see that i was blind, to let you go; i can’t escape the pain, inside; ’cause love takes time, i don’t wanna be here; i don’t wanna be here, alone . . ."

one last cry by brian mcknight - "one last cry, before i leave it all behind, i’ve gotta put you out of my mind this time; stop living a lie, i guess i’m down to my last cry" and "i’m gonna dry my eyes, after i had my one last cry . . ."

paalam na by rachel alejandro - "paalam na aking mahal, kay hirap sabihin . . ."

love makes no promises by candi - "’cause love makes no promises, there’s nothing i can do; i’m letting go of you . . ."

i’ll be over you by toto - "it takes some time, god knows how long; i know that i can forget you, as soon as my heart stops breakin’; anticipating, as soon as forever is through; i’ll be over you . . ."

you won’t see me crying by passage - "you won’t see me crying, unless it’s over"

tuloy pa rin by neocolours - "muntik na, nasanay ako sa ‘king pag-iisa; kaya nang iwanan ang bakas ng kahapon ko" and "kung minsan ay hinahanap pa ang alaala ng iyong halik; inaamin ko na kay tagal pa, bago malilimutan ito"

*sigh* well . . . like what i always tell my friends . . . always look on the bright side of things . . .

might as well do that, huh?  looking at the bright side of this, i mean . . .

at least there are 8 days left for the month of september . . . i’ll definitely be looking forward to october . . . and hopefully, it won’t be as dreadful as my september . . .

till next time, peeps . . .

–GI 30682

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pinoy idol final 12

i haven’t watched the philippine idol last night.  thus, i wasn’t aware who made it to the top 12 . . .

i have my list of favorites which i would want to be part of the final 12 though . . .

1. mau - handsdown to her version of sweet love by anita baker 2 weeks ago.  i also loved her performance last saturday.  i hope she made it . . .

2. gian -  i love his energy . . . crush ko na siya . . . haha

with regard to the others who made it to the top 12 during the first elimination, i hope these people will do well . . .

1. paw - i was really impressed with her voice even back when she was still doing her audition.  she was the first person, who, for me, really got at par with the voice of the "young michael jackson".  she got me more impressed with her as she began singing those ballads . . . awwwww . . . touched my heart really . . . sayang lesbian siya . . . don’t get me wrong . . . i have nothing against the third sex pero, how i wish she was straight.  sayang ‘yung voice e . . . sabagay, ganun din si aiza seguerra . . .

2. i keep forgetting her name . . . the one who auditioned singing the ballad version of the "spaghetti song" - great voice as well.  i just hope she’ll be able to find or choose a better song . . .

3. arms - like ko rin siya.  isa pa, she reminds me of ate cheerie . . . hehe miss ko na ‘yun e . . .

4. i’m not sure if she made it to the top 12, the one who sang "ang halik mo".  i never liked songs from aegis, but she did a great rendition of the song.  and just like what ryan cayabyab had said, it was a gamble that she took but she won . . .

5. raymond - was this the guy who had a problem with the microphone as he was doing his performance?  anyway, i’m impressed with this person . . . very professional, not letting technical difficulties weigh him down.  he was the perfect example of "the show must go on"

6. miguel - sayang bata pa siya, cute e . . . hehe

7. jan - i’m not sure if i got the name right . . . basta the one who sang "bridge over troubled water".  honestly, i didn’t like his version of the song pero i believe he’ll be able to choose a better song next time.  tsaka gwapo rin siya . . . haha

oh well . . . i hope i wouldn’t miss next week’s philippine idol episode . . .

–GI 30682

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moving to the next phase . . .

eto na!!! my promised account to my best buds about our latest bonding moment . . . almost a month ago . . . haha

i never have dull moments whenever i’m with these two best buds of mine . . . definitely, one of the best reasons of my stay in computer science at up.

now that we’ve all graduated from college, it’s nice to bond once in a while.  talk about other stuff . . . more serious stuff, and still once in a while, joke around as if we were still kids.

of course, we could still do what we used to do back then . . . talk about anything under the sun.  well, of course, no more "burger king days at katipunan ave" . . . no more "tambay sa parking lot ng kamia until 5pm" . . . i guess now it’s "sleepover sa bahay ni gi" kind of thing already, haha.

it was nice . . . we were almost late for the movie we were supposed to watch.  the movie was great.  food galore at home . . . haha . . . we had lots of fun watching lots of stuff on tv . . . for the first time, we were all able to catch "the high school musical" plus other shows.  as a result of that, we weren’t able to meet one of the main reasons why we planned the sleepover . . . to watch this certain film about friendship.  we vowed amongst ourselves that we have to watch it the first time together.  it’s been 3-4 years since that film was shown in movie theaters but here we are . . . still sticking to that pact.  the grand opportunity was supposed to be during that sleepover, but there were lots of good shows to catch on tv, we forgot about the film, haha.  of course, we also had some important topics to talk about . . . ‘di ba mga dude? 

we had lots of topics that we talked about, but i’ll never forget this certain topic . . . the one most sensitive to me the past few weeks . . . relationships.  we were basically talking about our common friends, what’s the latest thing we know about them lately.  there we found out that basically, our friends are just either this . . . or that.  what do i mean by that?  it’s either this person just got married (without our knowledge . . . mga loko-lokong ‘yun, bakit ‘di kami invited?  haha) or this person just got out of a relationship. 

we had a question in mind that time . . . why is it that it’s either this person has just gotten married or this person just came out of a failed relationship?  why haven’t we heard of some people basically happy and satisfied with their lovelives?

we came up with a theory . . . perhaps, we are at that stage in life . . . the stage where we have to make one of the most important decisions in life:  moving on to the next level or staying behind.  at this age that people would call the "marrying age," the gates toward the road to your career peak is opened as well.  maybe, that’s why we have to make a decision.  those two are important things in life.  are we ready to move on to the next phase . . . married life, that is?  or do we prefer to travel the journey towards the peak of our careers? 

i guess that’s why most of our friends are either newly-married or have recently broken up.  for those who’ve decided to move to the next level . . . they’ve entered married life.  as for those who have gone out of a relationship, perhaps career is still more important for them.  same goes with me . . . i have yet lots of plans to fulfill as a single person and as a career person . . . and definitely moving on to the next level is not an option for me for the next few years.  fine, fine . . . consider this as my way of defending myself as to why i’m nursing a broken heart right now.  oh well . . . i guess that would mean that my best buds and i are so career-oriented . . . haha

it’s nice as the three of us recall our college days . . . as we realized that we’re basically living the plans we’ve made back then . . . and i guess i’ll be looking forward to the next sleepover . . . and utang na loob mel and ysn, panoorin na natin itong movie na ito . . . it’s been 4 years since i bought a copy of the movie, hanggang ngayon ‘di ko pa rin napapanood as a sign of respect sa pact natin . . . haha . . .

mel . . . sabihan mo kami ulit kung kailan ka magbabaksayon dito sa manila from singapore para mapagplanuhan agad ang next sleepover . . . at sana, pare-pareho na tayo ng meeting time . . . haha

to my two best buds . . . super love ko kayo . . . mwah!

–GI 30682

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remembering 9/11

i promised my best buds that my next blog would be my account with regard to our latest bonding last august.  hehe . . . sorry na lang mel and ysn . . . i’ve decided to postpone it for my next post na lang as i think this blog would be more appropriate at this time.  isa pa, sabog ang utak ko to try to analyze one of the most important topics we had then . . .

it’s september 11 . . . a day which used to be an ordinary day for any human being . . . that was more than 5 years ago.  but then . . . in that year 2001, things will never be the same again.

i know it’s now part of every history book . . .  the day of terror . . . the day when america was caught off guard. 

i’ll never forget that moment.  it was september 11, 2001 . . . 9:00 pm here in manila (we’re 12 hours advanced here in the philippines), i was with my brother and mom at the family room.  i was in control of the remote and i was channel surfing.  then, i came accross channel 4 . . . and there i saw the world trade center in flames.  i remember at that time i wasn’t familiar with the world trade center (i mean how it looks like), but the reports or even the scene was enough for me to realize the intensity of such event.

i remember being hooked on the television . . . we all were . . . whoever thought of such acts . . . those planned attacks and to where they would happen, among all places, the land of the free . . . USA.  4 planes being hijacked, each of them having their own targets . . . with innocent people being offered as sacrifices for the attainment of the terrorist’s interests. 

i know how surprised we all were as we see the two towers collapsing . . . with some people jumping out of the building, hoping to be free from the inferno inside.  we all knew how many lives were lost . . . some i believe, weren’t found . . . i know a lot sympathized with america yet i know there are still quite a number who would agree with the terrorists.  i don’t want to talk about religion and their beliefs.  they have their own way of practicing it . . . we have our own . . . and as much as i’d love to say that killing is against our religion . . . is it bad in theirs?

it was a weird feeling that i was experiencing the first time i saw the towers collapsing on tv.  aside from the fact that i felt bad for the trapped victims, i had my own "what ifs" . . .

you see, i had a couple of opportunities to see the world trade center while it was still there . . . but as circumstances would have it . . . we’d always let it pass.  it was in 1993 that my dad went to america for military schooling.  we, his family, followed during the summer vacation and of course, we went on tour.  we were supposed to go to new york but then our vacation was cut short for my grandfather had died.  the next time we went to america, that was in 1995, my parents were able to strike an agreement with the travel agency for our "postponed" new york travel.  they’ve decided to cancel the trip to new york and instead opt for florida as they think that my siblings and i would have more fun seeing disney world . . . and thus, the opportunity to see new york was again put off.  1999 i was in hawaii and my family didn’t consider visiting the main land.  and then 2001 came, the attacks in new york happened.  i remembered telling my mom as i saw the towers collapsing:  "kita mo na, dapat pinuntahan na natin ang new york e! ngayon ‘di na natin makikita ang world trade center" . . . of course my mom agreed . . . but what can we do?  we can never turn back time.  oh well, disney world was an unforgettable experience anyway . . .

2003 . . . after the european tour i had with my parents, we decided to check new york out.  my mom’s friend took us to ground zero and i took pictures . . . it was a different feeling . . . to actually stand there and take pictures of the remembrance of 9/11 . . . seeing the names of the heroes of 9/11 . . . seeing the messages of people to their lost loved ones.  i stood there for a couple of seconds, i closed my eyes and said a prayer for the victims.  it’s been two years at that time since the towers collapsed, but still, it was a different feeling . . . something that you’d think it was just yesterday that it happened.  and yes, that was the time that i realized . . . new york will never be the same again.

i guess god has his own purpose.  i’d love to think god postponed the many opportunities to see new york because he didn’t want me to have more pain as i see the towers collapsing on tv.  i guess, had i seen the world trade towers before, i’d have haunting moments of it as i see on tv that it’s being crashed by a plane.  maybe it’s better this way, that i hadn’t seen the towers upright . . . so as to have less memories of it now that it’s gone.  and maybe it was more appropriate the i’ve seen ground zero . . . for me to always remember the heroes of 9/11 . . . those people who lost their lives that day . . .

i know all of us have learned something from 9/11 . . . that even the place we thought to be the safest one . . . could still be the most dangerous place on earth . . .

to the victims of 9/11 and other terrorist attacks . . . may you rest in peace . . . and may justice be served soon . . .

–GI 30682

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