useless . . .

was there ever a time when you’ve felt you’re useless?  ever liked the feeling?  i don’t . . .

for the longest time, i made sure i was this ever-approachable "gi" . . . the kind who’ll be there at your "beck and call".  the ever-reliable gi andres:  just call my name and i’ll be there.

true enough, i’ve always been one of the options of my closest friends whenever they need help . . . whenever they need someone to talk to . . . whenever they need anything . . . just anything . . .

and yes, with that . . . i always made sure that i won’t let them down . . . that i’d be able to give them the service of a true friend.

perhaps, my school back in grade school and high school has shaped me to be as such . . . to have a soft spot for people who are in need . . . not just financially . . . but perhaps the comfort of a friend.  i remember back in high school where every year, we’ll have our outreach program where we’d go to some squatters area and we’ll teach the kids or teach some possible livelihood projects for the housewives.  it was a good experience . . . it made me realize that nice feeling whenever you’re able to help a person.  all the more a total stranger whom you’ve met just at that moment.  the smile on their faces seems "etched" permanently on their faces . . . which makes you feel how much they’ve appreciated what you’ve done for them.  and though you may never meet again, you have that sense of satisfaction . . . that nice feeling . . . that you’ll be forever remembered by them.

with friends, i am such as well.  i’ve always given my total dedication to them.  sometimes, my closest friends would scold me to be less "helpful" . . . so as to avoid being "abused".  i never listen . . . oh yes, i can be stubborn at times.  but really, it’s just that i have this nice feeling whenever i’m able to do a good deed to someone.

i remember the time when i suffered a torn ligament on my left knee days before i was to graduate from high school.  the usual treatment for such an injury was to have an operation but the ortho suggested that i need not do it for i am not an athlete and my future does not totally depend on my "having healthy knees" . . . haha.  so, he said, a cast would do.  a bit longer treatment though.  but i didn’t like the idea of having "cement" on my left leg.  thus, a much longer treatment . . . a brace . . . and being the ever stubborn gi andres where personal health is not one of my top priorities, i again frowned at the idea.  thus the longest treatment:  just don’t put force on the left leg and just use crutches.  i had no other option but to say yes . . . my parents were already exasperated with my actions.  the next thing i knew, i was already checking out some crutches . . . darn. 

i never used my crutches.  they were merely "decorations" for me much to the anger of my parents for having a stubborn child . . . haha.  i remember going to school limping . . . while holding my crutches as if it was a briefcase.  haha.  but it’s nice to know who your friends are.  it’s nice to see that those people who always need your help were the first ones to be there at the time you needed help.  i remember them waiting every morning at the screening gate for me, and as soon as i arrive, they’d carry all my stuff and make sure that i’m comfortable and not in pain.  i remember during breaktime, my classmates or even my teachers would borrow my crutches and they’d try it out only to comment later:  "ang hirap pala magsaklay" . . . haha.

the funniest thing i remember while they were trying out my crutches was the time when during our break from graduation class, my classmates would borrow my crutches, divide themselves into 2 teams, and have this race while using one of my crutches.  or how about the time when a classmate of mine almost fell down the stairs while trying to walk using my crutches.  wow, had that happened, i would have probably donated my crutches to her.  haha.

but then, i had to face the consequence.  eventually, my injury healed . . . but not properly.  for those with keen eyes, they’d definitely notice that i still limp . . . or perhaps, you’d have the idea that some do have:  mayabang maglakad si gi.  haha, trust me, i walk like that as a result of my injury back then.  or how about the times i’d limp due to the cold weather which causes pain to my knee.  or how about having limited choices for everyday footwear?  as a result of my injured knee, as much as possible, i need to wear rubber-soled shoes so as to avoid much pressure on the knee.  the only exceptions would have to be important events like formal engagements . . . sigh . . . the consequences i will have to face for the rest of my life.

i hardly told this to people.  the real reason why i didn’t like to use my crutches was that i felt helpless whenever i use it.  call it pride, i guess . . . but i didn’t like the idea that people would see me in a "helpless situation".  i was the one they’d always run to for help, i couldn’t be seen being helpless.  i don’t want to be seen as if i’m useless.

useless . . . who wants to be useless?  i don’t . . .

now, let me tell you something that happened two weeks ago . . . i was approached by someone who needs help.  at that time, due to certain "unexpected" things, i wasn’t able to help.  i was caught up in a situation where i just wasn’t able to help.  and i felt disappointed with myself.  for the rest of the day, i felt low . . . i felt bad having not helped a person who seeked help from me.  it’s flattering to know when someone considers you to be an option whenever they need help.  and i guess that’s also the driving force in me to help them . . . because i was flattered.  i was flattered that they trusted my capabilities . . . and thus, i always felt i need to give what they expect of me to do.  i was very apologetic to the person.  i saw how the disappointed look appeared on that person’s face.  it wasn’t a good feeling for me.  it wasn’t a disgusted look . . . it was more of a "it’s ok, i understand . . . i just took the chance" kind of look.  but i still felt bad.  i’ve always hated the feeling whenever i’m not able to help a person who asked for my service. 

i felt totally useless . . . i was telling the others i felt disappointed really with myself.  i was even cursing time . . . of all moments, why did it have to happen at that time?  when i don’t have anything to offer?  when i was caught up in a situation where the circumstances wouldn’t allow me to help?

it’s been two weeks, but once in a while, that moment still bothers me.  i wish i could turn back time . . . i wish i could help that person back then . . . but i can’t . . .

then i guess, i’ll just be praying that such moments never happen to me again . . . that i’ll never experience that feeling of being useless . . .

–GI 30682

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the perfect job

wow . . . it’s mid-july and this is my first entry for the month . . . have i been that busy lately?  hmmm . . .

busy . . . busy with what?  yes . . . i’m definitely busy with work.  pretty hooked up with work.  am i enjoying it?  i don’t know.  i guess . . . if i wasn’t, i have long given up, right?

you know, ever since i was young, i’ve always dreamt of having this job which is always on the go . . . where rest and recreation becomes a "luxury".  i’ve always wanted a demanding job.  i wanted to have the job where the phone would ring in the middle of the night to say i’m needed at work.  i used to love stress.  i used to have this great amount of energy . . . but perhaps time comes when you’d realize you’re just eventually getting worn out . . . like any other human being . . .

when i was younger (well, till 2nd year high school), i’ve always wanted to be a doctor.  that was the kind of job which i thought would be very demanding.  the kind of job which meets the kind of job i wanted:  always on the go.  but thanks to our biology class in high school . . . i realized i hated the sight of blood and other human organs.  haha . . . with that . . . until i reach fourth year high, i was lost . . . which career would i want to pursue?  i had to give up the thought of eventually becoming a doctor . . . how can i be effective if i’m afraid of blood?  still, i did my best finding out which field in medicine has the least sight of blood?  i thought of eventually becoming a physical therapist . . . thanks to my dad and his idea that PTs are "just masahistas" . . . i had to let go of that idea.

as i was to graduate from college, i thought of working for an advertising company.  i heard those who work there are definitely career persons . . . stressed people who are always on the go.  where going for a vacation must be planned 2 years ahead . . . haha. 

well, now i realized i wanted to work for the media . . . haven’t reached that goal yet but i’m working on it.  for the meantime, well okay . . . i’m enjoying my job working for the government (although i swore after graduating from college that i’ll never work for the government, haha) . . . no wait, to be more specific, i’m working for the administration! and if GMA goes, i go as well . . .

well at least i can feel that this job is kinda demanding and yes, i’m stressed once in a while with documents needed to be followed up . . . with other matters that need to be focused and dealt with.  so, yes we can say, i’m getting the job i wanted . . . stressful . . . haha.

funny when some people find out i’m working for this agency in the government that i get all the perks in life.  well, i do get to meet some "powerful" people and really . . . the power of the ID . . . haha.  i can easily work my way out of any traffic violences from police . . . hehe.  anyway, it just happens rarely.  i’m still a good citizen and i don’t abuse the benefits we can exhaust. 

but it’s now that i’m realizing i’m not getting all the benefits.  *sigh* due to the typhoon, it’s been advised by noon that government offices be allowed to go home.  and since my office is direct to the secretary and he has an appointment until the afternoon, i can’t go home . . . darn . . .

well, i guess nothing’s really perfect in this world, right?  perhaps it’s a fact of life.  for something to be perfect means being equated to heaven . . . where everything is positive and problems never occur.  where dissatisfaction is not present.  but this is earth that we’re living in . . . and none of us gets contented with what we have . . .

oh yes . . . i’m just disappointed that while everyone else has gone home . . . i’m still here stuck inside the office . . . *sigh*

–GI 30682

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